I Am Not the Center of the Universe

Today, my daughter reminded me of this all-important life lesson. When her brothers decided to play a game without her, she immediately jumped to the distressing conclusion that they hate her. Anyone who knows my boys would say that they treat her with great love and affection and enjoy spending time with her. Yet, in that moment, their decision to play Cars 2 Monopoly made her feel unloved. 

These are the times when we parents are challenged to think fast and find some way to deliver a critical, life-changing truth, even when we're really thinking, "Quit your whining and let me finish my email!" So naturally, I found the finger puppets and used a little role-play to illustrate my point. Fortunately, my ploy worked. She watched the boy finger puppets count the minutes idly during their sister's absence (since she had asked them not to play when she wasn't around), finally giving in to boredom and resuming play before her return, and then facing her hysterical screams that they hate her because they got tired of sitting around doing nothing. She laughed and laughed and laughed, and she began to understand that it was a little unreasonable to expect that they would do nothing while she was gone. 

I told her: sometimes, other people are just living their lives and making the best choices for themselves, and they aren't calculating your reaction with every decision they make. Sometimes, your brothers just want to play a game, and it doesn't mean that they love you any more or less. If you can see that - if you can remember that what other people say or do is mostly about their own heads and hearts and lives - then you'll take a lot less offense at just about everything. 

We all view the world through our own lenses, and it's easy to take things personally. When a friend or family member is upset or cranky, we might assume that they are upset with us, when really, it could be something completely unrelated to us. If we can keep a buffer between ourselves and their upset - if we can listen impartially and empathetically, without automatically becoming defensive or feeling bruised - then we can stop that negative energy from being passed on. 

And so, as I go through my day, I constantly remind myself: I am not the center of the universe. Everyone has their own problems, their own challenges, their own worries and fears. I will keep trying to recall that not everything is about me: sometimes, people are just cranky, and sometimes, I'm just due for a little bad luck. When I am less defensive - when I avoid the temptation to take things personally - I can be more helpful, more peaceful, and just plain happier. 

The Freedom that Comes from Knowing Who You Are

This morning, I am remembering a conversation I had several years ago with an acquaintance whose words left a lasting impression on me. She is a brilliant, accomplished woman, with both a law degree and a Ph.D., and at the time, she was "just" taking care of her family. In addition to raising her children, she was also caring for their grandparents, who were having health problems, and also assuming a heavy work load in running the home because of her husband's demanding work schedule.

I spoke with her about my own struggle to adjust from being a career woman to a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, and how I was looking for some part-time work to reconnect with the professional side of me. I recounted to her some experiences when I had perceived someone else's surprise or disappointment that I wasn't working full-time, or that I hadn't taken advantage of great career opportunities since becoming a mother.

She understood, and she told me about how she had tried to do some part-time work, but had stopped because she felt that it was taking her attention away from her family. She had reached a point in her life where she realized that she no longer felt that she had to prove herself to anyone. "I know who I am," she said with a confident, relaxed smile. Her self-assurance and serenity blew me away. Rarely had I ever seen someone who was so at peace with herself, so sure of her decision, so clear about the person she wanted to be.

This post is not about whether moms should work or stay at home. Rather, it's about clarifying what's most important to us, what our gifts are, what our purpose is, and making sure that our daily activities are aligned with all of that. If we can figure out who we really are inside, what we truly care about, we can then make choices that allow us to be true to ourselves. When we have that self-knowledge - when we take the time to reflect on what matters most to us at our core - then we can free ourselves from the expectations of the world, from the need to appear accomplished or important or attractive or stylish or whatever else we're trying so hard to be. We can just... be ourselves.

When I feel anxiety creeping into my life, I try to ask myself, "Why am I doing this?" or "Why am I so worried about this?" Most of the time, I realize very quickly that my anxieties are related to things that I don't really, in my heart, think are all that important. This is not a lesson that we learn only once, but rather one that life reinforces over and over again. In other words, it's always a challenge to keep those anxieties in check, although it does get easier with practice.

If friends are coming to my house and it doesn't look exactly the way I'd like it to, I feel anxiety, and then I ask myself: will these friends really change their opinion of me if I have a pile of papers there and laundry piled on the couch? And if they will, are they really my friends? If I know who I am, should I care so much about what others think of me? If I know that my priorities are in the right place, that I'm spending my time the way it should be spent according to what I value most, then does someone else's opinion about my life matter?

Consider this an invitation to get to know yourself a little better. There is always something new to learn, some layer to discover under the surface, some new facet or insight or shift taking place within us. And with that new knowledge of yourself, may you find the confidence to say, in the face of life's constant pressures and demands and expectations, "I know who I am."

Finding Our Way Out of the Fog

When I woke up this morning, the view from my kitchen window took my breath away. From up on the hill where I live, I can see down into the valley that lies in the center of town. And even though the sunlight was streaming into my windows, there was a silvery blanket of fog floating over the valley. At the moment, all I noticed was its shimmering, dazzling beauty: the way the light was reflecting off the tiny droplets of water vapor. I felt as if I were somehow magically floating above the clouds.

But when I drove into town, I couldn't see anything. I had to drive right into that silvery blanket, and once I was inside it, I couldn't see the sun - not at all. I could barely see the cars in front of me on the road. And I was struck by the contrast between my sunlit living room, where I was just minutes before, and this dreary, foggy place, which seemed like an alternate reality.

It occurred to me that often, when life throws challenges our way and our path seems uncertain, we feel as if we are living in a fog. We can't see clearly, we don't know which way to go, we feel like we're stumbling through it, and maybe we even forget that the sun is still shining somewhere up above the fog. But the truth is that it's not foggy everywhere. What appears as a foggy day to us is actually a sunny day, but we just happen to be under a patch of fog. The sun has not *actually* taken a break from shining.

As I drove through the fog, I found myself wishing that I could invite the whole city up to my house so that they could enjoy the sunshine. It would have been very crowded, but the point here is not how small my house is, but the fact that it was so much more cheerful up in my neighborhood, where the sun was shining. Why should they all be stuck in this dreariness when it's so lovely just up the hill?

And then, I thought of my friends who are going through dark, confusing times, particularly those who are grieving for a lost loved one, or for a relationship that has ended. When these dark moments happen to us, we feel like we are stumbling and can't see clearly. Perhaps we even feel as if the sun has stopped shining. As their friend, I want so much to share a little bit of sunshine with them, and to reassure them that the fog will lift eventually.

We all know that there are times in life when hope seems devastatingly elusive. There are times when life seems to deal us a cruel blow; times when the world seems like a hostile place; times when the future seems grim. But if we can look beyond that patch of fog, to the edges of the clouds, we might just see the sun shining. We might be able to imagine a brighter future. We might start to see the goodness around us, the beauty of the world and the people who live in it.

It has taken me more than a month to post on this blog again. To me, it felt too difficult to make a compelling case for optimism with the possibility of war with Syria, and then with the government shut down, watching our nation's leaders blame each other for their seemingly unyielding impasse. The fog was getting to me. And now, we have averted war, and our government is running again. The fundamental, underlying problems have not vanished, but collectively, we have found our way out of these messes. Now, the future of our world seems a little more hopeful to me than it did a few weeks ago.

And those friends of mine who are struggling with tremendous heartbreak? Miraculously, they are enduring. They are persevering. They are picking themselves up and moving forward, one painful step at a time. Their hearts are broken, but they are finding their way, choosing each day to keep going, no matter how hard it is. Whether their own fog will lift today, tomorrow, next week, or next year, they are seeking the sunlight. These friends are my heroes: they are facing our biggest fears and finding the courage to continue living their lives. May we all continue to seek the sunlight, to share it with others, and to remember that no matter how foggy it seems, the fog never lasts forever.